I’ve forced myself out of bed at evil o’clock on my day off because I’ve had a bad night and consequently woke up this morning in the middle of a slight anxiety attack. My hands are shaking as I type this but typing takes the shakes away eventually. I need to keep reminding myself I’m getting over a massive trauma and that this is normal. I’m really scatty and forgetful when it comes to things like that though so it’s a daily struggle. I think I’m going to get some plaques made with quotes on to dot about the house, just to drill these things into my head. I need to keep reminding myself and then hopefully I’ll remember to not be so hard on myself. Everything is temporary, just like this anxiety attack I’m having right now.
I had some crap news last night. It’s nothing that can’t be dealt with with the right help and advice, and it isn’t life or death, but after a couple of hours the news hit me like a (rather delayed) steam train and I just started crying. It took mere seconds to be transported back to the past where everything seemed hopeless and I was a bad person and it was the end of the world. I took myself off to bed and watched a couple of makeup tutorials on YouTube to distract me and it wasn’t long before I was asleep. This morning though when I woke up I had a knot in the pit of my stomach and tremors running through my hands. Normally I would roll over and try to sleep it off but it simply delays the fall out of the attack, it doesn’t make you deal with it and process it in your head. You’re just burying your head in the sand and I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t think when I started on this journey I realised how big it would be, how much it would take up of my time, of my mind, my thoughts and my everyday life but it has. I don’t mind though, everything feels healthy and as though it has a purpose. I just need to remind myself that I’m doing this for a reason, and that reason is to get better, to close the door to the past and move on.
The bad news I got is crap. It really is. But I can look at it two ways. One, it’s crap and I’ll just lie down and let it happen and be sad and probably end up back here where I am now, all stressed and shaky and triggered. Two, I can calm the fuck down and get advice and be proactive and use my intelligence and do my best to deal with it and fight against it. That way, even if I don’t get the result I want, I can say I tried and I can look back on it with the security in myself that I didn’t lie down quietly, plus, practice makes perfect. The next time something crap comes along, I’ll be better prepared. Truth is though, the crap news isn’t why I’m triggered. I know this for sure. We all know (and I mean us Girls Without Mums) what it’s like to be harshly reminded of the past; you’re worthless, you’re bad, you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you can’t do anything right, you’re such a nuisance, you’re incompetent, you’re selfish. Yeah, all that. So instantly when you get a bit of bad news or something happens that puts a blip on your otherwise good day, you’re like ‘I must have done something to make this happen, I must be stupid, I must have missed something, there must be something I forgot to do, nobody else would have let this happen’, when truth is, sometimes you can do everything right and you still get screwed over. It’s nobody’s fault.
Today is my day off, and I have so much to do already, but now add in this crap news I got last night and I now definitely can’t lie down and pretend it’s not happening, because I have to be proactive. This is my life, and I’ll be fucking damned if some jumped up shirt and tie in an office somewhere is going to make a decision about me and put it in a letter and expect me to just accept it. Fuck that. The past won’t ever go away but over my dead body will it keep on tarnishing every bit of my future. Never mind that I haven’t a mum to take these problems to, these everyday problems like ‘I’ve had a bill higher than normal, what should I do?’, ‘The cat keeps chewing her fucking fur off’, ‘I’ve grounded my darling child, did I go too far?’, ‘I am so pissed off, it’s £4.40 on the tram to work, what a crock!’, ‘Shit, I put too much bleach on my hair and now it’s some sort of two tone orange/peach combo with white roots…’ (that last one is actually my life right now), I can sort this myself. We all can, Girls Without Mums. It’ll be fine. And if it’s not fine, it’s only temporary, and remember, we’ve been through much worse. Still standing though.